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if i was ur girl...

12.08.04 (4:09 pm) [edit]

...* If i was ur girl all the things i'd do 2 u...
i'd make u call out my name
....*i'd ask who it belongs to..*
if i was ur woman all the things i'd do to u...

but im not
so i cant
and i wont
but...
if i was ur girl....

-'if' Janet Jackson...

i kno, totally old school right?
but its a cool song
reminds me of year 12 and a certain CRUSH
that i ('V') !
*sigh*
he is the ultimate guy 4 me....pity i never see him anymore...and pity he only dates girls with GREY streaks in their hair. or girls who are unfortunate looking. with zero fashion sense. and like no personality. and wear free 'coca-cola' one shoulder backpacks that u get free with a six pack! *ew*
*sigh*
i'm not bitter! :-)

if i was ur girl...

12.08.04 (4:09 pm) [edit]

my-oh! my-oh ! my boo...

12.08.04 (1:31 am) [edit]

guess who just came over? Brad! he's back from his camp out thingy and he came over for like 15 minutes (he left his friend in the car in our driveway...i didnt even kno!)
and he looked hot i will admit and he was so nice...i wore tracksuit pants and a bonds singlet deliberately so i'd be dressed down...and only mascara and lipgloss....but my hair was all curly...
hes so nice! we got along better than our last 'date' if u could even call it that!
and he kissed me on the cheek twice....weird weird weird! WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?
he calls me babe and stuff but he's never overly flirty or anything ever...r we just friends or is there possiblity of more...he drove for 4 hours to visit me in sydney when i was in hospital...even tho i was all super emaciated and boney he was still nice to me....heaps nice....and he is smart and cute and has a cool car...
*sigh* dont wanna build this up in case its NOTHING and i read heaps too much into it in case it doesnt work out...
*sigh* why are boys so so hard to figure out?
and why dont i have enough self confidence to believe that maybe he actually likes me!

baby its u...*

12.07.04 (8:38 pm) [edit]

jojo's baby its u clip is so cool...she so cool! it makes me wanna be 14 again and be able to sing and have long brown hair and be all little and cool..
hmmm anywayz!
i went swimming today...did my many laps and walked all the way to the pool...bad i kno but i missed the bus! i got in trouble tho...to much exercise! 'sif!
and spoke to t and totally figured out friday night....i hope i can drink! i havent drunk since, like, my 18th....like 9 months ago! im soooo scared of alcohol! calories calories! oh well i'll just have to get over that wont i! and its not THAT bad i guess.
hmm yeah...my life is so totally boring right now....i have no job (by choice) and all my friends are at work in the day...and i just hang out and watch friends and dvds and tblog and download music...plus shop and go swimming and walking....PLUS i also go to stupid eating disorder day program *YAWN* so over it....have been there for like 7 months now, counting the 3 months in hospital tho.
how i hate stupid eating disorder! actually i kinda feel like im getting on top of it more these past few weeks...not as good as when i was after hospital, but getting there.
i wanna be thin and stuff but i also wanna be able to eat and exercise normally...what is normal tho? i dont want to sacrifice my thin-ness for eating junk that i dont even like. but i do wanna be 'natural weight'....hopefully where i am now is my natural weight!
uhhh i hate how this ALWAYS without fail turns into anorexic-speak even tho i try to talk about other stuff! im just too too obsessed. :-( i suck. no wait i rule....positive thinking! :-) ha ha my therapist would be so proud. xx

baby its u...*

12.07.04 (8:36 pm) [edit]

SuMmEr is My IdOL*

12.06.04 (9:04 pm) [edit]

i really dont wanna look back on this and think that i spent so much time freakin about food and weight and stuff...its such a HUGE part of my life that i cant help but write about it...but i dont want this to become some kinda ana nightmare page!
so, in other news...
i'm going out on friday night with the girls (and their bfs of course...how could they survive one night without boys???they'd prolly self combust or sumthink...:-)
and im kinda happy...i havent been clubbing in forever...i've wasted the year that is 18 worrying about, primarily, kilojoules and how to burn them...what a waste what a waste.

so i've basically been hanging out at home 2day...went shopping, did 600m at the pool, read new cosmo and thats about it! :-) i love my relaxing life.

one bad thing thats stressing me is the lack of boys in my life...i dont even have a crush...all my girls are all paired off and loved-up but thats not about to happen anytime soon i dont think! anywayz how many boys do you meet in an anorexia ward? LOL

i just think im so missing out... on the love and the fun and everything that comes with being in a relationship...and i dont want to be missing out!

ha ha when i went for my walk the other day i was just walking around the streets listening to my ipod and this guy full pulled up next to me and got out of his car and was like 'hey...how old r u? do u wanna go out sometime...?' 'cept i was totally freaked bout stalkers or something and i was like 'my bf would hate that...sorry *smile'
what bf???lol anywayz i think he was heaps old and kinda weird...like, who does that??? but still it was funny! *why cant dream god just appear at my feet and like me? and me like them back? it seems like thats too much to ask....*sigh!*

the oc is on 2nite! YAY! i kno its a repeat...u kno where marissa (evil biatch) is in hospital after her overdose...and she escapes...and summer is a candy striper....omg SUMMER is my idol. she is so totally cool....her hair inspires me to go dark! plus she is the mini-queen. *love*

anywayz gtg help mum cook dinner....tacos n burritoes....(not my fave....ewww-ish)
love always!

i hate u ana.

12.03.04 (1:57 am) [edit]

today was a kinda nothing day...at evil throsby where ANNE the evil dietician made me eat an apple strudel with like apples and cinnamon AND PASTRY! and the evil wench wouldnt even let me have a diet coke. ewwwwww i feel sick and bad jus thinking bout it!
and the psychiatrist said that YES i can stay at this weight and no more weight gain! but i may want to gain more. still might go back to hospital tho...maybe maybe not...havent decided.
hmmm so yeah! im going shopping 2moro with rochelle...may be fun, may be weird...oh well ii'll live i guess! i'll buy myself something new and fun from supre! yay supre the funnest shop in the world!

im kinda upset coz its friday nite, im at home watching the AMAS and friends n listening to JoJo and updating the ipod...but im kinda bored. and nikki bailed on me for going out 2moro nite and i dont really wanna go out wit anyone else...tha girls = boyfriends = loved-up-ness = i hate them all! nah just hate other happy PDA-ing couples!

and im kinda having a 'fat-ish' day...or even a like kinda 'rounded' day...sometimes i just want the bones back so badly it scares me...i wanna see and feel my ribs and hipbones and shoulder blades and spine again...but no that = unhappiness. so i must be feeling fat and happy not ano and psycho. my fat is like size 8-10....but 4 me thats hard to deal with right now. i kno im silly i need to get over this body image shit...coz until i do i'll be upset and food-freaked.

i had just right for dinner...mmmmy fave food. i kno its not really enough but that fucking strudel....its fine! xoxox

LoVe AnGeL MuSic BaBy

12.02.04 (12:08 am) [edit]

sunk into bad bad black cloud mood...*SIGH* i dont know if i can force myself to eat my apple/watermelon even tho i kno i have to...stupid meal plan...when im upset even jus a lil i cant eat so easy...and im mad at the 'rents so i want to get back at them by refusing to eat. :-( i kno im a lil screwed up unfortunately. *SIGH* hope you're
all having a better day than me! love h xxx

im just your girl, and i guess thats all i'll ever be to you...

12.01.04 (11:43 pm) [edit]

so angry. evil tblog jus deleted my lonnnng post. oh well it was kinda long and kinda evil anywayz, lol. :-(
today= where am i going in life? what the hell do i want to study? uni= death. i HATE HATE uni....but oh well im going back like a good lil schoolgirl...stupid parents, i hate them...i dont want to relive their stupid lives. i want to live my own but NO i have no idea what the hell i want to even do!
hey to anyone reading this...i hope you've had a good day! better than mine hopefully!
i feel so weird and kinda conceited writing about myself....
gtg....FRIENDS is calling my name! 'helen......hELeN....watch me.....i'm funny....'
lol love h xoxox

cant u keep up, baby boy, make me lose my breath...

12.01.04 (9:34 pm) [edit]

listening to destinys child...so fun. today has been a kinda mixed up day. i went for coffee with my old old best friend from the ninth grade, Anna...i wasnt totally sure what to expect but it was actually so good. She is beautiful...omg she is like no other friend i have....and im so totally jealous of her and her life. She is gorgeous, insanely smart, lives in college at uni, has heapsa friends fun and boys...she has the best life. And what does all this make me think? well what the hell have i been doing the past year? in and outta hospital, therapy...losing friends...not learning anything....generally my life has been left in pieces and im trying so hard now to pick them all up and create some kind of life worth being alive for. I know that sounds so dramatic but its true...life hasnt been that great and getting over the anorexic shit i thought meant an automatic happy sparkling life but....thats not entirely true! i just dont know how to create this life for myself...im just so mixed up! my friends are all scattered and totally different, what THE HELL am i going to study next year? where am i going? *SIGH* is it just totally too much to expect my life to be happy...with friends fun self-acceptance fun study and romance? i see it all around me....it happens to everyone else but i just cant grasp it. When i think like this then i might as well be 40kg in hospital crying over a piece of bread because at least that kinda life has a direction and purpose, no matter how desolate it is. *OMG* happiness......think fun thoughts...